Introduction
The main theme of this output package is an exploration of a concept articulated by Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of a book called The Four Agreements. It is stated as: “be impeccable with your word.” There are a number of ways to interpret this phrase and Don Miguel Ruiz does a wonderful job articulating them in his book that was first published in 1952. For the purpose of this output package I choose to interpret this phrase as meaning: “Do what you say you are going to do.” This concept is the main theme of this output package.
In Part one of the main body, I explore my past relationship to my “word” and how I have commonly used it as a tool for manifestation throughout my life. I recognize how a strong dedication to “being impeccable with my word” has motivated me to get things done in life, but I also come to a realization that this dedication to my word has a shadow side that may no longer be serving me. I put it to the test in two real life examples. In Part 2, I examine the word I have given to my future wife Stephanie to marry her and how it feels within the context of my new understanding of the theme of this output package. In part 3, I explore the word I have given to develop a course in Natural Philosophy and how new ways of being are being forged as I evolve alongside this intention.
Part 1--Relationship With My Word
When I was college aged, I embarked on a number of big trips to various places around the world. I began to recognize patterns for how I came to making these big decisions; and how I carried the decision through to fruition. The pattern was this: I would get an idea in my head about where I wanted to go and think about it for some time. Somewhere down the line, somewhat belligerently, I would start telling people that I am thinking about going to, say, Africa. This served two purposes; the first was that it allowed me an opportunity to hear how it sounded outside of my own head, and to really prove to myself that I am indeed thinking the thought. (Sometimes I think we can think about something and not even be aware that we are thinking it until we speak it to someone). The other purpose for speaking my thoughts out loud was to gauge the response of the listener. Depending on who I was talking to, this response could have a big impact on my own enthusiasm. For example, if I told my Dad, “I’m thinking about going to Africa” and he got excited about the idea, then that would inevitably add fuel to my fire. I didn’t necessarily have to get a positive or encouraging response to the idea for it to light me up. Sometimes I thrived on the surprised or astonished or even doubtful response that I might get from my peers. It made me feel adventurous, daring, and unique. For example when I told people: “I’m thinking about hitch hiking to Alaska” I often got a surprised or doubtful response, but the more I would say it, the more excited I became.
Eventually, if the excitement about the idea built up inside me enough, it would influence my words to change from “I’m thinking about going…” to “I’m going.” Even if I didn’t have the details figured out yet, I began professing my intention to go. At this point in the process, not only did I have my own excitement about the adventure to motivate me, but I now had a self-created obligation to my word as well. This motivation was often inspiring enough to overcome any obstacles in my way and gave me the drive to make the trip happen.
This pattern has carried into my adult life and the act of speaking my word or intentions to other people is often a step I take early on in my creative process. For example, my decision to pursue a master’s degree was announced to my folks and to my community nearly two years prior to even being accepted into Gaia University; many of the courses that I have taught and programs that I created were spoken as intentions to friends and family before they even began forming. This is not a unique pattern to me alone; I am sure many other people are aware of the power that their word has to create in their world and use it as a tool for manifestation.
However, there is a shadow side to this way of being in the world. I can think of at least three specific examples of how this pattern might not always serve me. First, if I am contemplating an idea or intention and I speak it too soon (before I have fully explored my own dedication or enthusiasm about it, or before it has fully taken root in my personal identity), there is the possibility of being overly influenced by what others think of it. Someone who hears it might shoot it down, or highlight the negatives, or share why they think it is impossible. I risk getting discouraged about an idea that otherwise might have been more resistant to nay-sayers if I hadn’t spoken it too soon.
Another more obvious risk to professing my intentions too soon, is that if the details are not fully thought through, there exists the possibility of something coming up that prevents me from achieving my goal. If this happens to me when the goal is simply an unspoken personal aspiration, then there is relatively no harm done, however, if I said I was going to do something and for whatever reason, I don’t get it done, I am not being impeccable with my word and am potentially hurting the people in my world, damaging the credibility of my word, and losing personal confidence in the creative power of my word.
The last, and most dangerous dynamic that this pattern of speaking my word early on in my creative process, and using the self-created obligation as a motivator for getting things done in my life, is this: I may give my word about something, or tell friends and family about something I intend to do, and become bound to my word despite changes in my circumstances or changes in my heart that might come up. It is conceivable (and I know this from experience) that I continue to go along with a plan for the sole reason that I gave my word about it—even if I no longer want to be doing it. I refer to this as the most “dangerous” dynamic because when I fall into this trap, it seems to be a double edged sword. Not only am I going on with a plan or activities that I don’t want to be doing, I am also not being honest with myself and therefore lying to the person to whom I gave my word—I am allowing them to think I still have a desire or intention of doing what I said, when really I am just doing it because I am overly attached to carrying out my word. When I find myself in this position I can feel so confused because I get to a point where I don’t know what I want more; to keep my word, or to change my course of action. Just writing about it turns my stomach into a knot because I know the feeling all too well. A character trait that I am aware of that likely amplifies this pattern is the resistance that I feel in confronting people to change agreements after I have given them my word. This all stems, I believe, from my original relationship with the power of my word. Back when I used my word as a tool for getting things done, if I said I was going to do something, I became fiercely determined to get it done. Re-negotiating, reconsidering, or canceling a plan that I set into motion was not my style (or I wouldn’t have made it on all those ambitious adventures). Back then I saw it as determination, but now I am experiencing the same quality in myself as inflexibility and being overly bound to my word.
Part 2--Engagement with Stephanie
At this point I would like to bring in some elements of my life and look at them with this deepened understanding of my relationship to my word. First, I would like to examine my engagement with Stephanie.
About two and a half years ago, Stephanie asked me to marry her and I said yes. Some time when by and we hadn’t set a date yet. We both acknowledged that something still didn’t feel quite right about the engagement. About half a year later, I proposed back to her, she said yes, and at that point the engagement felt mutual. Still no date was set but we carried on with our daily lives. Long story short, there was a great deal of fear in me about marrying Stephanie (I was not as certain as I thought I should be to marry someone and that scared me) and every time we spoke about the wedding, I somehow managed to elude the bold move of choosing a date—only to rest somewhat uncomfortably in a state of perpetual engagement for a few more months at a time until Stephanie would likely bring it up again.
With our five year anniversary quickly approaching on March 27th, we finally made a decision to select that as our wedding date. Now, all of the fears and concerns that I wrote about in Part 1 above began to surface in me. I kept asking myself: “am I doing this because I really want to, or am I doing this because I said I would even though I might be having a change of heart.” The double edged sword was looming in my consciousness—not only might I be going along with a plan that is not right for me, but I could be leading Stephanie on in the worst possible way.
However, I knew deep down that I didn’t want it to be any other way. I knew I still wanted to continue my life with her, and I also knew that I was tired of just being engaged. Thus, the logical move is to get married. But what about my heart? No woman wants to hear her man say “I am marrying you because it is the logical move.” I dug deep down inside and realized that my heart does indeed desire to marry Stephanie even though I still have fear about it. It was my heart’s longing when she asked me and I said yes in 2010, I was sincere with my proposal 6 months later, and even though it has taken me two years of being engaged to finally get enough courage to settle on a date, I have wanted to all along.
The key here was realizing that there were two different types of fear inside of me. One was the fear of the self-created, double edged sword deluding me into thinking that this dynamic was playing out in my engagement agreement, and the other an understandable fear of getting married (cold feet). For a while there I could not decipher the feelings inside me. Getting to the root of my personal desire freed me from the delusion of possibly making a mistake and not having the courage to address it. Just because I have been wounded by this self-created sword in my past does not mean I am falling victim to it in this circumstance.
First we told her Mom, and then we told my parents, then finally I called up her dad and asked for his blessing to finally marry his daughter. I suppose I did that two years ago, when we first got engaged so it wasn’t entirely new, but this time I had a date and I invited him to come out to Colorado. He said of course.
Part 3--Natural Philosophy
Another element I would like to explore within the context of “being impeccable with my word” is the fact that I have told a number of people here in my community about a class I wish to develop called Natural Philosophy. One of my original intentions for the topic of this output package was to develop the curriculum for this course. I made some progress (click here to see the beginning of a course syllabus) but something inside me didn’t feel quite right about pouring myself into this endeavor. The hesitation that I felt was a point of immense confusion because I had been working so hard to develop momentum for getting this course off the ground and now all I had to do was polish up the curriculum by stacking functions with my fifth output package for Gaia University and I was done.
After much deliberation and frustration over why I was struggling dive into the creation of that course syllabus, I slowly came to realize that although the concept of Natural Philosophy thoroughly intrigues me and I sincerely desire to teach it, it also serves as a distraction from my role as a permaculturist and permaculture educator. I had a challenging season in 2012; my confidence as a permaculturist was damaged and I began to have self-doubts about my capacities as a teacher. I began to tell myself a story that went like this: “If my focus is Natural Philosophy, then I will no longer be expected to deliver permaculture—I will be freed from the stress of teaching a subject that I don’t have enough experience in and create a platform to deliver my true passion. “ Now, I don’t doubt that Natural Philosophy is my true passion but I have come to realize that it doesn’t need to happen this coming season. It is more important to me to, despite my self-doubts, focus on permaculture, really demonstrate its application, and deliver to my students the paradigm shifting material that I know is contained within the concept. I could let my confidence and reputation as a permaculturist and permaculture educator fizzle out because I had a challenging season, or, as has happened many times in the past regarding my relationship with permaculture after I had lost some inspiration, come back to it with more vigor and enthusiasm than ever before.
As soon as I started thinking like this, I felt a sense of relief that maybe I would be able to put my Natural Philosophy ideas and ideals to the side for a bit while I focus my energy and attention onto that which needs it more at this time in my cycle—my gardens, my students, and my own skills and experience in the field of permaculture. I felt a weight coming off my shoulders when I began to let go of my attachment to making a course in Natural Philosophy happen this season. I was getting in touch with my true desire. (click here to see the website I have developed to market our 2013 permaculture classes and programs)
One of the things that has made letting go of Natural Philosophy so difficult is the fact that I have led many people to believe that I am indeed going to move forward with the development and implementation of this class. Not only that, but I have spoken passionately about my desire to create this course and convinced members of leadership in my community to allow me the opportunity to make it happen. I have given my word and now I am faced with confronting all the people to whom I spoke this intention to let them know I am altering my path.
The steps I take to communicate this change of intentions are important and are in fact the crescendo of a new, evolved way of being. I am aware of the choice that is true to the core of my being and there is only one way to make it right—clearly communicate it as soon as possible.
Conclusion
Ultimately, there is balance of determination, wisdom, and honesty that is required for achieving the goal of “being impeccable with my word.”
Determination is important because it is the foundation upon which I can offer my word. There is a certain degree of foresight involved with telling someone I am going to do something, and by having confidence in my own determination, I am more capable of making a promise or guaranteeing an action that ultimate gets done or is successful. With strong determination, the creative potential of my word is enhanced and it becomes a powerful tool. I recognize my own determination, where it has served me in my past, and the power contained within it when used in conjunction with my word.
Wisdom is needed to fully assess and understand a situation, my own capacities, personal desires, and the future implications of making a promise or “speaking my word.” Wisdom is what governs the timing for speaking my word. In general, I realize that I had a pattern of speaking my word too readily, without proper consideration for the circumstances, my capacities, or future implications. I recognize that although this may have been my in the past, I have indeed exercised wisdom around my decision to marry Stephanie.
Honesty with myself must be exercised in every moment of my life to ensure that the choices I make are in alignment with the core of who I am. If I ever realize that I am going astray, or that a choice I made was inaccurate or pointed me in a direction I did not want to be in, or that circumstances have changed in a way that my actions are not serving me or the people around me, I must be honest with myself to first recognize this then have the courage to take the necessary steps to set things right. Being impeccable with my word does not mean that I become a slave to it. Even if I practice wisdom and exercise determination there will still be times in my life when keeping my word might not possible or even the best thing for the situation. This is when it becomes critical to be honest; first with myself, and then with the people around me to own the inaccuracy of my word and speak the truth.
Honesty is perhaps the most challenging aspect for me personally to integrate into my life when it comes to my relationship with my word. However, if I can be more honest at times when it is critical, and I can establish a new personal identity with my capacity for being honest, then my discomfort around becoming bound to my word and my fear of the “double edged sword” will dissipated.
When I was younger determination ruled my relationship to my word. If I said it, I did it. It was as simple as that. Nothing could get in my way and nothing could stop me from doing what intended to do. At the time this served me very well. I could make up my mind and go places. I didn’t have to deal with breaking agreements or not honoring my word because I simply plowed through whatever might have gotten in my way and did what I said I was going to do. However back then, I was only responsible for myself. Plowing through life is easy when you’re at the wheel and don’t care about what or who gets in your way.
For the past five years as I have grown into my role as a step father of Josiah who is now eight years old; and as I have become a father of my daughter, Charlotte, who is now two; and as I have loved more deeply into a committed relationship with Stephanie, plowing doesn’t work so well for me anymore. In order for me to be impeccable with my word, I am finding that I need to exercise more discretion about what I say and when; so that when I say I am going to do something it is well thought out and takes into consideration how it might affect my family. Determination is still an important quality that I will embody as I move into the future, but wisdom and honesty are going to receive special attention as I strive to be impeccable with my word.