Supporting Materials

Key notes from my counselling sessions April - October 2013:

1/4/2013
- I have been minimising my own feelings when faced with the severity & trauma of others
- Placing myself in a hierarchy of oppression e.g. What I go through is nothing compared to the animals

8/4/13
- Self censoring & self filtering patterns
- Don’t want to talk about prison, feel coloured by heaviness

15/4/13
- I put pressure on myself to move on/set timescales & then feel frustrated when I haven’t moved on
- Not forgiving my own actions and choices e.g. Bonnie
- Confusion over feelings, attraction heightened by repression? Or impossible to build relationship in those circumstances
- My expectations or hopes for support were not met
- Fear of being ‘emotional’ woman/watery

22/4/13
- Repression generated feelings of tragedy, loss, grief when couldn’t be with person who had feelings for. Made decision to shut off feelings and repress self, after assessing the risk/hurt of being recalled.
- Empowering feelings around talking about prison e.g. Anarchist Bookfair - prison experiences became valid, meaningful, appreciated, not needing to self censor. Lots of parts of me were able to be expressed.
- Shared trauma and commonality with other prisoners
- Prison system trying to effect my ability to trust, love, and trying to make me dehumanise others (after being dehumanised).

29/4/13
- There is a grief cloud hanging over me all the time through not being able to connect with Sarah, my co-defendent who is not allowed to talk to me for the remainder of her license (another 2 years).
- Intimacy is accelerated in prison.
- Other people telling me ‘it won’t last forever’ feels like a minimisation
- We went through an acceleration of intimacy, with the emotionality of our relationship and intensity of shared experience.
- Felt like I was not ready when I left prison, my sentence shorter than expected, felt guilty for not being there for Sarah.
- No current space for discharge or expression as feeling that no one understands, everything is contained.

6/5/13
- I felt like a keeper and a captor with Dan, like a provider and represser.
- Self censoring through not being able to talk to people about reality of our relationship, due to strategic decision around our political commitments & responsibilities.
- Constant censoring for safeguarding
- I have a huge fear of being taken for granted & a fear of being used.
- Am scared with my working patterns I will be able to nourish a relationship, but don’t know if I am working harder for fear of falling, using campaigning and projects to slow down process or at worst avoidance.
- Feeling resistance to the falling/letting go of falling in love, but feel frustrated of this fear because it feels like harm of previous partners still affecting/having power over me.
- Fear of not being enough for partners/loved ones.

14/5/13
- Feelings about best friend in prison, Sam - constant heartache. I feel every injustice she experiences.
- Its the depth and intensity of friendship/deep care and love that I feel people around me are not familiar with.
- Huge weight, with ongoing rollercoaster and no clear end in sight.
- Feel like I’m holding the end of a tightrope.
- Feeling and coping it with it on my own because I don’t want to share the ‘pain parcel’. No one to talk to, as they become upset and I don’t want anyone else to feel this pain.
- Now supporting Claire, feels more pressure. Suicide tightrope for them both.
- Sam is symbol of freedom, she is wild, undomesticated. Fear that if prison system can break her, we have no hope.
- Feel a connection with people doing prisoner solidarity work however it feels like they have political relationships with people, sort of intellectual or celebral, whereas I have a deep love, best friend that I miss every day.
- Felt ripped away from people I loved when I left prison.

20/5/13

- Day of getting property from police, old letters to ex boyfriend in prison.
- Promises of being together forever, feel grief of my capacity to love, innocent naviety.
- Feeling of loss of who I were then to where I am now.
- Revolutionary fire in me used to be really powerful, not it feels like its close to burning out often and that I have to find relationships to keep it going.
- I fear not being able to recover that fearlessness now ever
- My busyness and constant organising - may be protecting me from falling hard, but also have fear of missing out on something rich.
- Felt taken advantaged of at work, double loss of colleague and friend.
- Feel like I’m testing myself with organising - quantity, complexity, diversity of things. Am surprised by my own capacity and elasticity. I have a huge capacity to give.

1/4/2013
- I have been minimising my own feelings when faced with the severity & trauma of others
- Placing myself in a hierarchy of oppression e.g. What I go through is nothing compared to the animals

8/4/13
- Self censoring & self filtering patterns
- Don’t want to talk about prison, feel coloured by heaviness

15/4/13
- I put pressure on myself to move on/set timescales & then feel frustrated when I haven’t moved on
- Not forgiving my own actions and choices e.g. Bonnie
- Confusion over feelings, attraction heightened by repression? Or impossible to build relationship in those circumstances
- My expectations or hopes for support were not met
- Fear of being ‘emotional’ woman/watery

22/4/13
- Repression generated feelings of tragedy, loss, grief when couldn’t be with person who had feelings for. Made decision to shut off feelings and repress self, after assessing the risk/hurt of being recalled.
- Empowering feelings around talking about prison e.g. Anarchist Bookfair - prison experiences became valid, meaningful, appreciated, not needing to self censor. Lots of parts of me were able to be expressed.
- Shared trauma and commonality with other prisoners
- Prison system trying to effect my ability to trust, love, and trying to make me dehumanise others (after being dehumanised).

29/4/13
- There is a grief cloud hanging over me all the time through not being able to connect with Sarah, my co-defendent who is not allowed to talk to me for the remainder of her license (another 2 years).
- Intimacy is accelerated in prison.
- Other people telling me ‘it won’t last forever’ feels like a minimisation
- We went through an acceleration of intimacy, with the emotionality of our relationship and intensity of shared experience.
- Felt like I was not ready when I left prison, my sentence shorter than expected, felt guilty for not being there for Sarah.
- No current space for discharge or expression as feeling that no one understands, everything is contained.

6/5/13
- I felt like a keeper and a captor with Dan, like a provider and represser.
- Self censoring through not being able to talk to people about reality of our relationship, due to strategic decision around our political commitments & responsibilities.
- Constant censoring for safeguarding
- I have a huge fear of being taken for granted & a fear of being used.
- Am scared with my working patterns I will be able to nourish a relationship, but don’t know if I am working harder for fear of falling, using campaigning and projects to slow down process or at worst avoidance.
- Feeling resistance to the falling/letting go of falling in love, but feel frustrated of this fear because it feels like harm of previous partners still affecting/having power over me.
- Fear of not being enough for partners/loved ones.

14/5/13
- Feelings about best friend in prison, Sam - constant heartache. I feel every injustice she experiences.
- Its the depth and intensity of friendship/deep care and love that I feel people around me are not familiar with.
- Huge weight, with ongoing rollercoaster and no clear end in sight.
- Feel like I’m holding the end of a tightrope.
- Feeling and coping it with it on my own because I don’t want to share the ‘pain parcel’. No one to talk to, as they become upset and I don’t want anyone else to feel this pain.
- Now supporting Claire, feels more pressure. Suicide tightrope for them both.
- Sam is symbol of freedom, she is wild, undomesticated. Fear that if prison system can break her, we have no hope.
- Feel a connection with people doing prisoner solidarity work however it feels like they have political relationships with people, sort of intellectual or celebral, whereas I have a deep love, best friend that I miss every day.
- Felt ripped away from people I loved when I left prison.

20/5/13

- Day of getting property from police, old letters to ex boyfriend in prison.
- Promises of being together forever, feel grief of my capacity to love, innocent naviety.
- Feeling of loss of who I were then to where I am now.
- Revolutionary fire in me used to be really powerful, not it feels like its close to burning out often and that I have to find relationships to keep it going.
- I fear not being able to recover that fearlessness now ever
- My busyness and constant organising - may be protecting me from falling hard, but also have fear of missing out on something rich.
- Felt taken advantaged of at work, double loss of colleague and friend.
- Feel like I’m testing myself with organising - quantity, complexity, diversity of things. Am surprised by my own capacity and elasticity. I have a huge capacity to give.

4/6/13
- Bit too intimate to share!

17/6/13
- Bit too intimate to share!

24/6/13
- Bit too intimate to share!

29/6/13
- Sam - doesn’t feel like anyone does understand or can
- Huge weight, don’t even know where to start in sharing it
- Feel like I need some support - others supporting lifers?
Its the length of time/no closure/appeal uncertainty
Huge injustice of it all
Closeness - best friend is inside, everyday together and then separated
Her vulnerability - emotionally & financially
- Suicide tightope
- Missing on a friendship level, deep love and care
- People taking their freedom for granted angers me

21/7/13
- Prison day in cardiff
- AR ‘not proper prisoner’/don’t see two narratives undermining each other
- Solidarity work is not prison centred
- Gap in how it is really portrayed, everyone’s experience is valid - belittling
- Felt smaller - pressure to disclose, feel worlds apart - privilege, entitlenment, politics vs lived experience
- Feel alienated in environmental movement


5/8/13

- Fragility of Sam, feels too much resting on the thread of suicide
- Tension - people chatting to police - experiencing anger, they don’t understand repression/violence - clashing with what others are doing
- Feels harder to expression pain - fear of it not being contained
- Feel people haven’t been interested in supporting me, quite tokenistic/touching base rather than understanding

19/8/13

- IAR gathering - nourishment has offset exhaustion - realising how freedom feels again > makes prison feel bigger/more impactful e.g. Comparative richness
- Snowballing of healing - period of rapid healing.. Big milestones
- Crying in front of others - wouldn’t have done before, more humble now - its alright to need support & access it
- Becoming whole, pushing edges/feel alive/healing

26/8/13

- 2 people close actively suicidal
- Powerlessness to stop people being harmed
- If it happens feelings of ‘not doing enough, ‘should have’
- Wish I’d been more compassionate in prison/horror of how effective sytem is and how it worked on me in terms of dehumanising others
How did I switch off compassion? Don’t feel at peace, feeling responsible for harm
- Know it was a protective measure - getting through own sentence, don’t have capacity to fully feel the harm of the prison system on others
- Container of psychological harm not being emptied

2/9/2013
- Sam & Claire - Claire’s dad died, Claire suicidal, Sam will do too if Claire is succesful
- Intensity, no access to support
- Made worse by knowledge of the prison system
- Support not feeling right/what I need

9/9/13
- Immediate crisis waning - support changed, as if everything back to normal, not for me or friends
- Socially sanctioned event allows us to fall apart
- Feel frustrated with myself that I’m not over B & A, sense of should

16/9/13
- Emotional marathon to work marathon
- Felt angry at A, wanting to communicate, hasn’t been resolved/expressed how much he hurt me

25/9/13
- Inequality of desire
- Feel on back burner, that I’m a plan B/being taken for granted that I will be there in the future
- Fear I will never be able to meet someone’s needs be ‘that girlfriend’

30/9/13
- Ghosts
- More aware of tension in me that I do crave a relationship
- M - felt taken for granted/disappointing familiarity/felt grim/taken for granted
- Rejection
- Powerlessness - fate in my hands/gravity and pressure
- If I drop the ball, she’s die
- Battering my uncounsious - attrition under the surface

8/10/13
- FFS - people treating me like a machine, their privilege, way that I’m being treated as is there isn’t anything going on for me outside of the campaign
- I’m witnessing violence of the state, totally different world
- Choice vs necessity
- Lots of different sorts of loneliness this week

14/10/13
- Supporting Sam & Claire - wieghty
- All feels hard
- Three years supporting sam in this way - starting to test me now.
- Giving bare minimum in relationships - not wanting to get close to somebody as any more intensity will be too much
- New girl - feels worlds apart of my life
- Feelings about Sam - feel uncontained/relentless/no order/lots of variables I can’t control/unraveling

23/10/13
- Jo - collective grief
- How I always feel, friend close to death - Sam
- Recognised intensity of it - big deal & don’t have support systems in place
 - C - feel rejected, pattern of the year. Chance of joy/stress relief/chance to be light & relaxed, something for me -  taken away
- How healing from prison feels - a glowing wall that can only be seen with night vision, like thermal heat - can’t se how to stop it, there isn’t a switch, can’t nulify it
- So much - feels unsurmountable to process, hard to pin down, don’t know where to begin
- Pressure on myself to process
- Shadow figure
- Lots of unknowns - shadow of the state, could come up against it again (esp now I’m a visible organiser), harm & impact - more aware of it now

26/10/13
- Post prison event - all over but not over. Big milestone
People don’t understand but feel moved by love and support
- Connecting dots - feeling more whole
- Was real pressure before to compartmentalise
- Cathartic expression of emotion
- Driving home in dark - tense, not fully looking or acknowledging ‘keep head down’ - can’t stop or process anything
- Opposite of freedom - now able to express
Male officers
- Don’t want to talk about it because people think you will think you’re special/ego head
- Don’t want to talk to Sarah about it > insecure about appearance/attractiveness
 - Culture of it anyway in prison, so not a unique experience, not rape or physical touching so doesn’t feel enough to express/complain about it
- Constant leering/can’t wear what I want/commentary on my appearance/felt constant vulnerability/not being able to get away/unbearable
- Had some kudos/not a drug user/21/officers tried to interact with me differently
- Sense of invitation esp. because I am queer/anarchist/not interested or ever interacting with officers
- Officers had power - guy at reception, or temporary garden officer - both had power over what I wanted most e.g. Access to garden & access to cds/books
- Fed up of deduction to attractiveness - men writing to me in prison with own agenda/rather than valuing my organising/contribution to struggle

Thursday 24th October

How is my organising meeting personal needs? Why so many projects?!

How…

Frack Free Somerset > need for radical work with non-radicals, experimentations in community organising, local issue, linked to passion - land base, also global struggle, feel like building something

AAN - need to connect with other animal liberation organisers, desire to process repression, re-build movement, connected to base of who I am/identity, huge history in movement. Desire that no other faces bad experiences of repression

RTF - need for other radical allies, need wider networking outside sometimes frustrating local organising, like the radical/anarchist perspective in often lobbying orientated food sov/community food movements

Feed Avalon - employment needs, need for something super local, actual see change on land base level, also experimentations in community organising

Vegan Organic network - growing & animal lib allies!

Bristol ABC - desire to work with small group with totally solid politics/dedicated to struggle. linked to my own history & healing.

Friday 18th October

Am I glamorising other people's organising but not recognising my own?

E.g. a woman's nutrition club sounds really amazing in Ecquador, but is it less exciting in Ilminster?!

28th September

Sam

I don’t wear mascara anymore
        Tired of wiping it from my cheeks
Only the seat at the back of the bus
        Can hide my tears successfully from the world
No longer shower before bed
    Because I know I’d wake up in a nervous sweat
        Wondering if you are still alive
The postman never comes on time
The phone calls create torturous pauses
        Between breathing in and out
The visits line engaged, engaged, engaged
You are still in a cage
                Stay with me
                Stay with me
This system cannot kill us both
It is not our time to die

Monday 23rd September

Output Packets
Well - 5 P's going good - like. Easy to fill. Confident with Mahara

Edge - Peer page evidence of participation and collaboration - hard to fill in the details. The list is twice as long even since the last time filled this in. Levels of detail. Collating amount of supporting materials. Explaining and thinking about what was really learned. Focussing mostly on easy to process material - events, quotes, pictures - practical stuff around the edges - struggling with transitioning over to the real thinking about what was learned - the patterns.

Goals - Find a way to make OP's less work. Stack with website maybe. Need more time for regular solid reflection rather than constant doing doing doing. Need a routine for more reflection. A lot to process at once. Have feedback loops on a small scale after events but this is massive.

Monday 9th September

I think I'm struggling with work because:

> I'm not organising in a group of people

> Doesn’t feel radical enough

> Feels too stretched over different projects

> Isn’t building anything more than networking/superficial relationships… rather than real long term relationship building

> Hierarchy with getting paid.. Means I'm taking on a massive workload, don't feel ok about outsourcing/delegating

Saturday 24 August

I need to feel like I'm still building something, sustaining efforts to create something positive and amazing and restorative. Otherwise I'm just fighting fires. The ball is forever in their court. I feel constantly under attack by capitalism.

16th August

Seeing the SHAC booklet ‘we made history’ made me cry today and it revealed to me the lack of solidarity we experienced as a group and the lack of support personally. There was no reaction to the raids, no check ins, no financial help. I felt lost at sea without sails and without instructions of how to sail the boat.

When I was inside it was a different story - letters, almost dare I say admiration, and then on release I was back to alienation, emotional and material stress.

This is not ok as a movement. I would like to focus on almost like ‘cradle to grave’ support, from bail to the day you are off license. Maybe the SOCPA 7 can be a model for this now? I could design some systems, experiment with support structures and see if the defendants are less harmed. If we have the resilience to repression and electrified movement of solidarity (across all social struggles) we will be more successful than our wildest dreams.

15th August
There is something about the ocean that ignites freedom. Maybe its because now as I write this I haven’t left british shores for nearly 6 years. Swimming in the sea at the gower and I realised I haven’t felt so free, I cried. While I can see there are prisons everywhere - supporting caged loved ones, wage slavery, patriarchy… somehow feeling unrestricted, uncaged. Its almost like prison could happen again but it wouldn’t be immediate, like getting recalled. So there is joy in this pace. A space I am only slowly becoming habituated to, like feeling blinded by the sun.

What I’ve learnt about healing so far:
    •    Its a journey not a destination
    •    Healing from the prison system is not possible. It will always be a part of my psyche, my wounds. The way to counter that isn’t disengagement/minimisation or resistance e.g. Organising against the prison system. Its for me, at least, re-humanisation.
    •    Its reclaiming what the state has tried to brutalise out of you, its overcoming alienation, its building relationships, friendships and intimacy. Its reclaiming your body and sexual nature, its connecting with the wild places. Its trying to interact without domination. Expression. Its kindness, compassion and empathy. Its solidarity, consistency and radical honesty.
    •    Healing for me I know now is about integrating healthy practices into my every day life to re-humanise myself, support my interactions with others and stay strengthened in resistance.

What does this mean in practice?
    •    Being on the land
    •    Quality time with friends
    •    Visits to wild places
    •    Regularly writing and expressing myself
    •    Being open to love and loving others
    •    Allowing pain and holding it e.g. This journey with Sam
    •    Asking others for emotional support
    •    Admitting fear & experiencing hopelessness/sadness/pain & grief.

13th August
The weight of my life can feel so unbearable sometimes. Like life feels like such a fight. I feel constantly under attack from capitalism. The chains around my heart tighten everytime I see Sam. Sometimes the pain of it all tightens my chest and I feel like breathing in and out Is hard. Its as if on the out breath I’m going to express myself and the flooding is too much. I feel like I’m emotionally supporting so many people while having huge responsibility for diverse projects and struggles . All of which is urgent and emotionally testing. Carving the time out for rest feels nigh on impossible.

8th August
Its been an intense few days. Everything with Sam has been really hellish. She has bruises on the side of her face from where she’s been banging on her own head to ‘try and get the thoughts out’. In all the years I’ve known her she’s never self harmed apart from her overdose attempts and here is is with fag burns on her arms and stomach. The prison are slowly killing her. Her mental health is the lowest I’ve seen it.

So yeah, I’ve decided to cancel my trip to Ieper so that I could be there for her ad so that next week I can visit her instead and that will be my holiday, actually getting more than one hour together. I haven’t cried so much in a long, long time. The weight of it all feels so heavy sometimes. The love of it of how I feel about her so deep and core to every cell of my body. Its the feeling of empathy and solidarity that I don’t many could imagine. Sometimes I don’t know how much more my heart can take. Its almost like the liberation and chains of responsibility, which ones cage us? And sometimes is it the ties to them that give them power and depth?

….

I didn’t realise until recently how much I have to offer in respect of emotional and practical support to people experiencing repression or harm from the state. My emotional supportive skills is never something I’ve acknowledged, because I don’t percieve myself as a ‘hippy’ or someone interested in psychology or emotional health, I’d never really recognised just how much I give and do in supporting others. Whether its the arrestees or new socpa/shac people (asking for support) or mates inside. Even with Gilly and Jo. Its like the long term healing work is something I seem to get drawn to without intention.

But I did wonder in my exhausted state, who supports me? …

6th August
Its been a very emotionally restimulating weekend with visiting Balcombe and then going to the AR gathering. A huge mix of emotions:

    •    Triggered when people talk to police - how dare they?
    •    ‘Nonviolent peaceful protest’ - imposing their nonviolence dogma on rest of group, people lacking literacy around violence of society
    •    Feeling of powerlessness  on demo, remembering why I disengaged from public protest before
    •    Joy at AR gathering - being able to feel part of a tribe, seeing the horses, valuing my freedom
    •    Sadness & grief - the deflated nature of the movement, fear, lack of power, low self esteem lack of creativity and innovation of tactics, stigma of SHAC
    •    Repression workshop - embarresed by ‘activist’ distinctions, anger at us as ‘good’ and other prisoners as ‘bad’. Lack of awareness of repression of people generally e.g. The amount of people on tag, how people are treated etc. Placing general demands on the government e.g. Stop repression - I guess lack of revolutionary edge!
    •    Obsession with symbolic protest & vegan outreach e.g. We’re going to close labs through street theatre
    •    Felt restimulated in anarchism workshop about red and black approach to anarchism!
    •    My feelings around health of the AR movement, needs to be nurtured back to health before any demanding new campaign starts. How can we build a plant based world? Anti oppressive culture? How can we move from the single issue campaign mindsent?
    •    Placing SHAC in long term view e.g. Resistance to state & big pharma - lost battle, but winning a war etc

Friday 2nd August

Repression is key to everything > why we don't act, why we do, how we justify what we do (and don't do), in fact the major social changes of our time rest on our fear and relationship to repression and how far we will resist those with power

Wednesday 17th July

Liberals have an obsession with:

- Being objective

- Having peer reviewed studies of everything

- 'Presenting both sides'

- Lobbying

- Legal frameworks/regulation generally

Saturday 13th July

Feedback/observations from Day in Cardiff

It still feels hard to talk about prison, to listen to others talk about it and not get restimulated. There was one older anarchist lady who went on a little rant about prison society and that we are all in prison etc etc and I felt total solidarity with her but something in the sentence didn't sit well with me. It was like she had belittled the experiences of people in prison everywhere; that somehow being subjected to CCTV on the street is the same has having your whole life and freedom stolen as you're coerced into a cage.

I don't know it’s just hard.. And she said like most anarchists she'd been arrested/been held in cells so she knows what its like. But it’s kind of weird because its like, how does she know?! One guy had done 5 weeks, and again how could he know, really? How month after month your feelings change? Just like I wouldn't presume to know how Sam feels, or how longer-term prisoners than I must feel.

So I feel there needs to be something in the language we use that builds commonality yet at the same time doesn't minimise or umbrella rise feelings/experiences.

Saying we're all prisoners because we live in a prison society is like saying we've all been raped because we're in a patriarchal society.. its not the same & it belittles the experience of those that has been inside. We need a culture of solidarity that respects uniqueness and difference.

Sunday 7th July

Had pretty grim restimultating/triggering conversation last night. Just cried for hours.

Feels like when we were raided and charged your focus is on just keeping yourself together, in your own little unit.. just keep paying the rent, saving for that deposit so you can move to go to court, keep working to clear debt to go to prison.. and then when you're in prison you're just focusing on getting through your own sentence.. and then when I got out I just focused on getting through my license.. I couldn't look at AR mags/websites because of my conditions and because my heart couldn't take it. Grief is ok if you can act on it. If you can feel a deep sadness but then do something. So you don't feel, you disconnect. And then getting off license I can re-connect again. I can organise in this movement…

But it feels like I've come out of a nuclear bomb shelter and into the light and its a wasteland. Its all been destroyed. And I'm left alone facing it all.

Sunday 17th June
After Radical Herbalism Gathering

Feel alive, inspired, passionate, like I’m really expressing my authentic self/following my desires
> Don’t need to surrender my desires any more for struggle, this work is struggle - we need to place reclaiming the people’s medicine at the centre of our lives & movements of existence
Outcomes for me:
    •    Deciding to do herbal medicine apprenticeship
    •    Deciding to do intuitive herbalism course in 2014
    •    UPS type UK network - plant allies network..?
    •    Rad herb zine/primer
    •    Connections with Lisa - herbal and health justice work with prisoners?
    •    Can see there is a need for a herbal horticulture course
    •    Email list
    •    Benefits for site - sauna, brook end development
    •    Rad Herb Gathering at Yorkely Court
    •    Friendships built with isy/mikey/christina/ellen etc
    •    Desire to grow poisionous plants!!
Learning pathway decisions
- Way more practical connections and tune in (new notebook for herbal study? Plant/slow time
- Earth based herbal medicine apprenticeship
- Course with Nathan
- Gain from different teachers - witches (sensory solutions), becs/anwen, rachel corby, herbfest, other workshops

Wednesday 10^th April

Am having some extremely unexpected observations up at Incredible Edible Todmorden…

- tokenistic..?

- actually a class divide between organisers and local people..? e.g. those doing the organising are privileged/educated/retired

- how can it actually address some of the inequalities at a level required to have an impact..?

- based on kindness.. really lovely & simple… but where is the political analysis? the awareness of power..? If it is about social justice where is the focus on it..? I know people don't want to be 'angry' or 'blame people' but what are the root causes of all the things we're trying to change..?!

- legitimising power abuses e.g. veg beds at police station… yeah its funny/novelty but how does that legitimise the police? Make them feel 'accepted' as part of the community when they really just defend the state & perpetuate class and racial violence?

Its beyond amazing that its becoming a worldwide movement… i can't imagine the number of relationships formed & conversations started around food growing. I guess I'm just laying my critical eyes on things as I start to process the last couple of years of food activism & what these mean.

Wednesday 10^th April

Last night was hard, all eating as a group in weather spoons. I have never felt such a class divide. Some of the things coming out of Jane W's mouth were so racist I could just feel my veins popping. And then another conversation was centered around trying to get some corrupt councilors sent down & getting the police involved etc. It just made me feel sick to my stomach.

People still give the police so much legitimacy. And people band around prison sentences like they're nothing and I'm just like FUCK YOU, you don't know what its like. You don't understand the harm the system causes.

Even talking to peter on the bus and he was like 'yeah it was easier for you because you weren't a normal prisoner'… as if because I was in for political organising, jail is going to be totally different. Like I'm not still processed like every other woman in there and given a number and a fucking cell to be locked into and get out with all the same discrimination and social control of probation as every other prisoner.

I had a lot of privilege in that my economic needs were more secure e.g. was moving in with mum & Ian, however this was resting on a positive relationship between Ian & I, so again me being subordinate to a man for economic stability (thank fuck Ian is an amazing guy & its not like this)… but the power dynamic is still there. And fuck not being able to talk to 99% of my friends; is that not enough emotional fucking pressure? Did I need to be in for a drug offence or violence for me to be seen a prisoner and not just an animal rights prisoner?!

But yeah it feels so hard some times in the sort of community food movement; it is so sickingly liberal sometimes and middle class. I feel so fucking different. I didn't go to uni (well other than Gaia), I hardly know any graduates or 'professionals', yeah my mum & dad went to uni but they were hardly middle class high flyers, I grew up on state benefits with my mum… oh yeah and that was another thing when someone was saying about not getting out of bed for a year as if that would be nice. I remember my mum having her nervous breakdown and not getting out of bed. That wasn't very nice. It was fucking horrible. I wish people wouldn't make such unthoughtful bullocks statements as if everyone in the room has been through their same pattern of life and its all hunky dory and now we just need to convince the 'unenlightened' not to shop in supermarkets and we'll all be fine.

Really need some serious anarchist allies in Somerset. I really don't want to have to live in Bristol or Brighton to connect with people with the same politics as me! How can I do more radical education in Somerset? Where do you start with anarchist ideas..? Maybe this social centre would be fucking awesome. A place to cultivate radical thinking. Its like everything in Glastonbury gets side tracked into personal development bollocks. 

Thursday 4th April

Its like my output pattern is looking at my own context - the effects of repression on myself & the movements I organise with… moving through the observation & analysis of my interactions with permaculture & agroecology so far and my feelings around animal liberation… I'm in this healing/egg stage around my organising, feel like my life's direction is brewing and with this much attention & energy dedicated to it & making sense of my history I will come out with wisdom, direction & passion.