Un/Learnings
I unlearned my habit of muddled, manipulative conversation. I have a fear of truth and reality, and through my intentions to create magical, beautiful situations I speak altered versions of my true sentiments. With the help of my friend Hank, I discovered that I avoid transparency at my own expense to avoid evoking the pain of others. I understood in theory that lying hurts more than truth in the long-run, but had never had the gall to apply such honesty. Whether it is out of selfishness or selflessness is a question I still cannot answer, but I intend to practice transparency and see the idealism that comes from realistic interactions.
I unlearned my teaching habits. With two semi-traditional teachers as parents, I have always taught with a little example and a lot of imposition. As a dance teacher to high school students, I was always giving advice and denouncing their emotions as young and narrow. I see now that I was narrow. At the Int'l Permaculture Conference/Convergence, I attended many Creative Teaching and Community Design courses that both had one simple message at their core: "Meet them where they are at." I have learned to become a student amongst the students--it is not a one-way learning street, it's a cyclical relationship with ample give-and-take opportunities.
I am in the process of unlearning my need to impress others in order to be loved and acknowledged. I have long known that I waver between self-pride and self-disparagement. It is difficult for me to give myself due credit and approval. I believe it comes from a challenging mother who shows similar patterns of wavering plaudits (to herself and to me). This constant seeking of approval has led me into tough social situations with marred friendships and the duping of acquaintances. I understood my intentions as kindness and open love for everyone, but as the saying goes, "perception is reality," and many people were deceived, understanding my actions as "leading them up the garden path."
A note on writing in the third person
I chose to write in the third person for ease of honesty and for the sake of storytelling. I wrote entirely in first person before realizing that my life sounded like a list--flat, imageless, mechanical. It was much easier to step away from being "me" and seeing "Sophie" from a distance. Fear of self-aggrandisement, fear of exposure, and fear of falling into old emotional patterns were all erased by doing this. Then, post script, I was able to reflect on my un/learnings in the first person more comfortably, as if I was analyzing a new friend.
Final reflections on completing the whole OP process
Everything is interconnected. Call it coincidence, fate, or life. The two weeks I have spent writing this OP have been filled with new characters who have let me discover myself, old characters held a mirror to my mind, and mystical divinations were thrown at me unexpectedly.
The day before the OP bus, I was offered to read runes. The day of the OP bus, I had my numerology deciphered. Through Facebook, I found a comprehensive personality test and discovered my dominant character to be a "Spontaneous Idealist." Though there were many absolutes and labels, I used them as lenses through which I could examine my personality and relationships to others. It was neat to see the common threads in that which I had discovered on my own, through conversations with others and through the mystical and scientific analyses.
I put a lot of thought into the models, processes and metaphors, finally landing on the 12 Permaculture Principles. This became an extremely helpful framework for my un/learnings and story-telling.
I am aware now, more than ever before, of the areas upon which I can (and am determined to) improve. Though trying and emotional, this process has successfully initiated a transformation. I look forward to the transitions ahead.