Self examination prior to OP
1.5.15
I'm feeling trapped in the life-setup I have designed for myself. I feel ready to eliminate large elements of it--sometimes losing is gaining. I want more time to feel free from brain clutter, much of which I'm certain is cause by too many Things To Do. I can manipulate my calendar to read anyway I want it to (clog it with blocks to give me structure; or leave it full of blanks to allow freedom of options), but never is my mind full of ease. I chew my nails, my neck and back ache and crack, and I sleep poorly. My relief comes from the work I'm excited about (the Transfer Station and the house) and Jon, my darling rock-solid Jon.
I feel like I've succeeded in dwindling my options to a sterile place of little excitement to me. I need adventure and to teach and to learn and to feel more human. This place (physical and spiritual) has taken a lot of my humanity. I feel anxious and constantly under-appreciated. I'm still too busy pleasing to go after something that works for me. Because of this, I don'e have the Time-Energy to give to my loved ones and neighbors the way I would hope I could. Basically, though I'm over-booked and exhausted, I'm still not doing enough. There's still a balance that needs to be struck.
But first, I think I need to be free again. "Start from scratch". I just don't know if that's a selfish decision to the point of no return or if it's a healthful, human choice of a 21st century woman. Should I stay or should I go? I think I must do as I usually do. Let the winds push my sails to the next port. Something will come in and all the parts will click into place like keys in a lock.
Sometimes losing is gaining, but what to lose?
12.30.14
This OP will be challenging in editing. I have a tendency to over-write. What are the most important aspects of this project? I want to accomplish everything at once, as I did with Penacook Community Garden: show the process, make it usable by the people I'm doing it for (Andover), make it appropriate for the Gaia U community and also produce a tool for the meta-context use. It's a big piece of work and I may have to submit 2 different ones--one for Andover, one for Gaia.
12.28.14
I've really gotten a hang of Mahara, the design tools (especially SADIM) and separating/intertwining both the project design and the OP design. I think this OP will be my most successful yet. I've also made use of my peers (both from Gaia and outside). I've tapped into so many resources: my family and friends, my advisor, the internet, Facebook, Google Apps--I'm feeling pretty prepared!
12.24.14
This Transfer Station design is kicking me in the butt. It's fascinating and frustrating and mind-consuming. I've somehow started to relate everything to the "dump". I'm hyper-aware of talk about equipment, legal issues, budgetary matters--all are related to the dump.
I'm also driven by this project. Trash is really, really interesting--the psychology, money, industry, origins, community, technology, and people involved all play into the intricate and hidden (though very real) problem of our garbage lands and waters.
A thought on complexity
It occurred to me while designing my future that I live in a scenario where my needs are met at the cost of the Earth. This is a complex thought.
By having water at a faucet, water for bathing, water for flushing my waste; with dinosaur bones to heat my home and dams and nuclear plants to light my dinners; with clothing harvested from monocultures and plastics--yet again extracted fossils; while my food shipped from far and wide then easily purchased with money made through disconnected means I am perpetuating a human constructed, complex ecosystem in which "unnecessary" tasks are performed to then trickle their way down to fund our basic needs.
In the old, "simple" ways of meeting our needs we lived near fresh water which we carried to our homes in buckets made of sticks and clay. We hunted for game, grazed the woods for fruits, berries and fungi. And yet it was not simple. It was a complex social program with direct connections to innate needs.
I do not know if the latter is better, though I have strong convictions that our un-wilding has been the cause of many menial, bureaucratic, political, logistical and monetary (to name a few) duties to perform in order to meet our needs.
I perpetuate this system while I remain involved in it. How to escape? Would it be fair to my co-inhabitors, my species? One cannot let go of the biological aim for survival of his or her kin. In evolutionary science, it would appear that we aren't doing so well for ourselves. Where do I fit in?
I see a map of a little Maasai village. It is a spider's web with a drop of dew dolloped on the thread.
I see the sky rise looming over Hong Kong. It is a tangle, moulding in the water it meant to harvest.
Is it me
I wonder sometimes about strengths and weaknesses.
I hear: "Love yourself for who you are," and simultaneously that I should address my shortcomings.
I believe diversity of character makes a strong collaboration. I strive for perfection, but I recognize that I cannot achieve perfection--how could we know what perfection is? Would it not be a stale world were we all perfect?
[I am seeing this in black and white. Perhaps just moral goodness is the goal, not perfection.]
Who is to say that a weakness cannot be used as a strength? In the problem lies the solution--can we not use a personal deficit to our benefit?
Certainly I spend a lot of time-energy pleasing others, leaving little for myself. Theoretically I don't know why I should value myself over the billions of others who inhabit this planet. Hank [my partner] sees this as a fault, a detriment to my well-being. But it makes me happy to make people happy. It also is a direct outcome of my inability to acknowledge my accomplishments. I seek the gratitude and encouragement of everyone around me. I could see this either as a fault or a catalyst for my community work.
Perhaps a balance. I'll look for the balance.